3 Steps toward helping your wife to feel more close to you
Hey husbands, have you ever been in the situation, where you know, your wife is kind of distant, reserved toward you, but you don’t know exactly why? And even worse, you don’t know what to do about it.
While she may simply be mad at you (ever had the situation where you didn’t even know why..?), if it isn’t just for one day, but rather it’s been going on like that for the last couple of weeks – or even longer, then the root might lie somewhere else. She may not even have a problem with you, she may just be missing the thing that’s most important to her in her relationship with you: She doesn’t feel connected with you anymore.
In my relationship with Jeanne, I’ve come to the conclusion that feeling connected emotionally is the one thing women need the most in order to maintain a lively, flourishing relationship with their husbands.
Of course, we guys also want to be connected to our wives, but for us, it’s not such a big deal to begin with and other ways lead to that level of connection that seems sufficient for us.
Often enough, I was sitting close to Jeanne having a good talk about what’s going on around us, only to realize she didn’t feel connected with me at all after that, even though I had thought this was as deep as it gets.
It took me years to learn, what exactly she was still missing after we had encountered those moments I had considered as “women” moments. After all, for me as a man, even less is enough to feel connected to my wife. A lovely hug, a nice kiss or some great sex and I’m good to go.
But that’s not enough for her and after all, as I wrote in this article, a marriage relationship functions best, when we concentrate on the other persons needs instead of on our own. So even though it took me a couple of years to learn this lesson and I’m in the learning process even today, here is the three-step plan I’ve come up with to make her feel more connected with me:
1. Listen to her talk
It all starts with this. My wife – and I’m convinced women in general, not only love to talk, they need it. They need it to process what’s going on in them. Talking to a woman and listening to her talk is like turning a crank on a box while inside, things get aligned while you turn the lever. But simply listening while mumbling a short “yeah” or ”uhuh” every now and then won’t do the trick:
We need to do it actively.
We need to concentrate on what she tells us.
We need to constantly think about what to ask next.
We need to constantly be ready to sum up what she has just told us. Recounting what she has just said will help her tremendously to feel loved and understood as well as to get new revelations and solutions on the topic. Sounds hard? Read on. It gets even harder.
By the way you should only give her the solution to a problem she tells you about when she asks for your advice, even if – or especially when – it’s that simple. Your solution will only be counter-productive if you just throw it in, while she didn’t ask for it.
2. Ask her, how she feels about it
Now this is where it gets emotional. When you ask her what all of this does with her, what kind of feelings the topic, which she was telling about, induces in her, this is where she can reveal all her joy, her fears, her sorrows, her unrest. This is where it gets intimate, because she will realize she is known by you.
This requires trust and you may first have to prove your trustworthiness to her, before she opens up, but it will lead to connection. Wouldn’t this be a great moment to even pray for her so that the bad among the feelings will turn into peace and joy. What a great way to create a deeper, more intimate relationship among the two of you.
3. Tell her how you feel, what’s going on inside you
Whew, this one is for pros. While it may already be difficult to concentrate on all her emotional talk after your hard day of work, opening up to – or even trying to discover your own feelings can be a really hard thing to do. Still, your wife not only wants to open up about her own feelings. She also wants to know YOU more. This is a lifelong process which never ends. We can always get to know each other more. We can always know more intimately what’s going on in the hearts of each other. This is the beauty of marriage. To get to know each other deeply, while we love each other and want the best for each other.
Well, I as a man generally leave stuff that bothered me behind me and I move on with my life. It’s a strength we men often have, to be able to leave the past behind and not even think about it anymore. At the same time, when you talk with your wife about that ugly situation at work once more, it can actually help you get more inner peace when you have someone who still loves you and understands what you’re going through.
I’m still in the process of learning to apply this way of relationship. Especially step 3 is really hard for me. But when I see what this does in Jeanne, how she starts to have this special “shine” on her face, after I’ve spent time with her like that, I realize how we’re only at the beginning of discovering intimacy in our marriage. There is a lot to learn, but every small step we have learned is like a seed planted in the ground of our marriage. It will eventually come up and produce a beautiful fruit both can enjoy.
Chances are that you are actually a woman reading this. You may even be frustrated that your spouse has not even come close to doing something like this or even understanding the value of it. Now, what can you do about it. Show your husband this blogpost and tell him to adapt to it..?
Weeeell, it might not be that easy. Marriage only works, when we’re willing to start with ourselves. That means two things:
- Learn to treat yourself with grace, compassion, patience and tenderness.
Recognize and let go of this destructive “I’m so stupid”, “I can’t do that” and “I will never get somewhere” self talk and start speaking the truth of God over your own life. .
- What can WE do, to make the other person feel more loved? What are the needs of the other person? What can we do to meet them?