The importance of studying my child or why I can hurt my child without doing any thing wrong
There was a Situation with one of my boys I felt so overwhelmed by his sweetness and heart. I realized that I can hurt my child, without doing anything “wrong”.
During the rest of my day I was reflecting in the fact that raising kids is much more than just following methods, going after a book!
When I woke up today, I got the surprise of my life: My husband distributed 15 little vases, each one with a rose and a note, in the whole house for me! This was really special to me!
I collected all the little vases and put them on a shelf in the hallway. Later I wanted to carry them to the table in the Kitchen. My little sweet boy wanted to help and I told him to be very careful! He was but… the vase felt on the floor!!
I didn’t say anything more than “oh, now it’s broken…” and started cleaning up. Inside I was fuming, almost trembling, so upset! However, I had enough self-control to not show how mad I was. He then wanted to take another one, and I was telling him gently but clearly; “Oh no, you don’t! You broke me one of them, that’s enough!” He started to cry very hard, I could literally see how I did hurt his little heart!
I remembered the talk we had with my husband just the day before about the love languages of our children. And how we felt that this precise son didn’t really settle into that feeling of really being loved and perfect just the way he was…and figuring out that his love language was “to help out”. We realized how he used to react strongly to the times we helped him go to toilette, or cleaning up what he had to clean up, or helping ride around with his bicycle.. So at that moment of being so upset I understood that telling him he can’t help me any more, was more to him than just “the consequences of him breaking something”. It was rejecting his help and as a result rejecting him. So, I took a deep breath. I told him that I will help him (to help me) , and so we carried the first ones together, then I let him do it by himself. He didn’t break any more of them. And he was gleaming of happiness and pride!
This was a moment of my motherhood I felt so overwhelmed by the heart of my child, and the realization how I can hurt him, without doing anything “wrong”. I was so thankful for that talk with my husband just the day before – and the knowledge that there are different love languages whereby our children receive the love we have for them… or feel rejected, even if we dearly love them.During the rest of my day I was reflecting in the fact that raising kids is much more, than just following methods, going after a book!
There are three points I took out of that event:
- No methods for my children. They are all unique, having different personalities and needs, ways they see the world.
There is no method, no book, no professional that can cover that part of my responsibility.
I am the parent; therefore, no one else can know my child better than I do.
- I will not let the day rule my world. What I mean by that, I don’t want to be too busy to stop and think. Stop and study my child. Stop and reading a good book. Invest my heart and mind in my children. Not only by having quality time with them, but as well by reflecting with someone that knows and loves my child too, what they could need, what the child could need to grow and feel loved.
- To know where we are going. Knowing our direction. Knowing our values and principles. Methods are very narrow. They don’t leave a lot of freedom for the uniqueness of a child. On the other hand, principles and values are like protection around the house. There we can decide what we want to see in our family. What matters to us. What dreams we have for our family life, with our children or what we want them to become. What we want our family to be.
As a family we did that, and it makes a big difference in our daily family life. Because we deliberately went through a thought process of what we want. We have written our vision down and know where we are going and what really matters to us.