When I was about seven years old there was a tent evangelization close to where we lived. I remember going there with my parents – and when they called people to come forward to give their lives to Jesus Christ I went forward. After I had opened my heart to the lord, I felt such a joy, peace and love. There was that thrill and happiness inside me.. I will never forget about it.
Life went on and the hurts and wrong beliefs took me in.
I always read the Bible, went to church with my parents, visited the children’s programs and went to the youth ministry on Saturdays.
However, it was all only external doings, which couldn’t compete with how I felt in my life: useless, unworthy, unlovable.
It was, since that day I gave my life to Jesus, my determination to follow him. I surely believe that determination held me out of a lot of trouble. Then as I left home with 16, with a huge hole in my heart, no identity, extremely insecure and longing for love and acceptance – I had many opportunities to lose my virginity, to get pregnant, to get into drugs of any kind…. However, I had a very high standard of what I wanted in the end, what was my aim, to truly know God. It protected me from so many things.
It was not until summer 1997, when, for no special reason I knew, God broke through with his love, his realness, his presence. I couldn’t listen to worship and just listen to it… it was a time of heaven on earth. A time, where reading the Bible felt like a personal love-letter to me. A time when I felt so close to God, so loved, so alive in Him!! Sadly I fell out of that precious time by not realizing that pursuing only him would keep me there… and I pursued a boys’ heart instead. A few months later I had lost it all… this closeness, feeling His love, God speaking so clearly to me through the Bible!
However, it was the start of an unstoppable process in my life:
I knew what it could be. I knew that I wanted him back in that way. And I knew that I would give everything for it.
So many things I did or didn’t do, were with that in mind. I still went through losses, through great emotional troubles and hurts. However, time after time, God put people on my side to reach out to me, to love me, to show me a bit more about His heart. I grew out of this emotional mess into a maturity, a peace and a joy deep within.
Even though this amazing closeness I had experienced back then is still not yet reality of my life and my Bible reading and praying is not that “heaven” as I experienced it then– I experienced many times God speaking through me during this process through his word, other people or directly with this inner voice – I will settle for nothing less than what I had back then because it’s the most precious aim in one’s life… Today, the way I live life, my husband, my kids, even the relationship I have with my siblings, the friends I have all over the world… are just a miracle to me.
And my heart is still the same: To get to know this God much more, to live every day back in that closeness and intimate relationship. To get keys, how to implant his worth and acceptance his truth, his love, his peace and maturity into other people’s life.
To reach out to other people who long for their life being restored.
I love God – He is amazing
I love Jesus – He is the most gentle, truthful way to the father.
I love the Holy Spirit – When he touches us, when he touches our soul, when he implants himself deep in us… our lives can’t stay the same.