I do agree that there is an importance to take care of our relationship as a couple. To look after myself too, and even to not cling to my children, because it can hinder them to become what they ought to be.

However, there is a reason of almost everything we do. Thoughts we had about being a mother (hen), and decisions we make as a result of them.

To illustrate a bit what I am talking about, here are some things I am letting my kids do:

As you see, I am not that kind of mother hen.
But there is another kind of attitude we do have, seen by many western people as “mother hen” – and they tell me so)

Since the beginning of forming a family our lead-statement concerning the education of our children was:

Without relationship, there is no successful parenting.

We’ve are learning by doing what this really means
And we really got inspired by reading the book “Hold on to your Kids – why parents need to matter more than peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté.

We understood that the secret of parenting is not what I do as a parent, but rather who I am as a parent to a child. It’s about the compassionate wisdom we as parents can implement in a child.
When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher or a coach.

We firmly believe that only children well attached to their parents will be able to receive the unconditional love and acceptance.

Why? Because every child needs attachment and simultaneous with that comes orientation. Inside every child, there is a compass. We as parents are supposed to be their “north”, the place they orient themselves with, the place where we can transmit healthy attachment, values and reach out to them in any situation, finding an open heart and willingness to follow our lead.

For a child who is well attached to us, we are “home”. The place to hide, the place to be real, to expose its deepest desire, fears and wants. Such a child is open for our love and care. With a child well attached to us, a mutual relationship is possible and the openness to follow our lead is present.
Only then the child will come to us, share its heart and even its mistakes and failures.
That is our number one secret for a successful family as well as for successful education.

The above mentioned book talks about the human brain being made in a way that this attachment, this need for orientation is built up deep inside of us. Orientation voids or situations where we find nothing or no one to orient us with are absolutely intolerable to the human brain.
Even adults who are relatively self-orienting can feel a bit lost when not in contact with the person in their lives who functions as a working compass point.

If we adults feel that way, how much more will our children?

As parents we are the very best orientation point. When parents aren’t present, another adult like a teacher who acts like a parent can substitute.

Therefore as a logical result, if we don’t provide this orientation, this attachment to our children, they will turn to peers, whether singly or as a group, and they will become the child’s working point – and we are “replaced”.

We know that peers are not capable to give to our children what we are called to give them: The security to be loved for who they are and that in an unconditional way. Healthy orientation.  The natural transmission of our values. Our live experience. The willingness to sacrifice ourselves that they can thrive. Emotional, physical or spiritual nurture. And even worse:  the more peers and other people matter, the more children are devastated by the insensitivity of their peers and other people by failing to fit in, and by perceived rejection.

This is, in short version, the reason why I say that what the western world perceives sometimes as “mother hen”, as something bad is actually vital for our children.
And here again, this is not an article about parenting to be followed point by point. You don’t have to share bed with your kids, or banish any babysitter out of your home. You have your unique personality, your unique life situation and capacity, there is no better parent than you are for your child. The challenge of this article is this:

The relationship, the attachment you have with your children is vital for you to be able to implement your heart into your children in a natural way. It is a vital foundation for us to be this home base, this place of security, of orientation and love.