“I am a mistake, something is wrong with me”.

(Instead of “I made a mistake, I did something wrong” as it would be the case of feeling guilty)

Shame has to do with our being.

Shame is the affective sense (feeling) of incompleteness or failure.  It is what we feel when there is a lack of congruence between our real and ideal selves. Most of us haven’t come to understand the feeling of shame. We feel that we have failed or that we are worthless. It’s a feeling we get in the pit of our stomach. We don’t live up to the expectations of our ideal self.

There are three main sources which are cause of the most shame in us:

• Family
• World’s system.
• Legalistic religion

Shame has been a powerful emotion in my life for a long time. This nagging feeling of not being lovable, not acceptable for who I truly am, were a big part of my life. In my reality, I couldn’t imagine to have true friends and family that truly appreciate me and that are proud of me! I even remember the thought “If someone would rape me, then at least I would know that someone wanted me, someone thought I am good enough”. That’s a crazy thought, and even writing it down makes me sick in the stomach. No child, no adult should have thoughts like that! About 14 years back, for the first time I realized through a teaching that there was shame in my life, influencing every area of my life, limiting every experience, opportunity and relationship. When I first got confronted to it, there was this feeling of deep helplessness (and of course shame) about it. How could I ever overcome this toxic reality of mine?! Somewhere in the process I understood that it’s OK to look out for help from other people to get better. However, true change will only come by understanding that I’m not a victim (any more). Understanding that I am a grown-up with a free will… and that I can make a choice. The choice is this:  I can dwell in the condemnation of who I am. Dwell in all those negative feelings and realities of my life. Or I can embrace the truth. Now, what is truth? There are many “truths” out there in this world. A lot of positive self-talk and good therapies. However, what I am talking about – and what did set me free – is very different. Jesus said, “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36 NIV ) His truth. God’s truth. If I choose to dwell in it, to speak God’s truth to the present feelings of shame, to choose to not let my feelings, my “reality” rule my life, but dwell in God’s truth… then there’s no other way than for me to get into freedom. Because this too is the truth. Jesus said, “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36 NIV ) I must choose to walk in His freedom on a moment by moment basis. The feeling of shame may keep flooding my heart. But I will stand in the truth – God’s truth – not the “truth” of my feelings. Click here to know more. Or here to read an article from David Batty about that subject.