Today I would like to dig once more into the subject, more from the view point of a family. I will share with you common patterns for people and families who live life trough the lenses of shame.
The more I come out of shame, the more I walk into the beautiful freedom of a life that is not easy but worth living, with so many ways to be a blessing and to be blessed by those around you…. The more I recognize certain responses based on shame, which people give to life, circumstances and people around them.

And because I know how it feels, because know how this shame can form and give shape to our reality, I am deeply moved to see people coming out of it and embrace the truth – God’s truth  – of their worth, value and importance, the honor and dignity only he is able to give.

Shame is well-known by many of us. So well-known, that it feels natural and so natural, that most people think that it’s unique to them and that they are defective and that’s why they feel that way.

This is why many families have shame based patterns.
This is not something you choose, saying: “Well, as for me and my family, we are going to live by shame! “ Rather will shame dominate our lives until the day we uncover it, and choose to walk into freedom step by step.

I grew up in a family which was overwhelmed by shame. Both of my parents taught me this way of thinking and feeling about ourselves, others, God and situations, this lens to see the world and everything happening trough shame.

Some time ago, I discovered a book called “Tired of trying to measure up” by Jeff VanVonderen.

As I was talking with a friend, who read that book as well, she told me: “You know Jeanne, I thought that I am unique for feeling the way I do and now I’ve discovered that my thinking fits into a way of thinking that is filtered by shame!

This is why I decided to provide you with 15 points mentioned in that book, people who view their lives through shame can identify with (some points more, others less).

The sentences I add directly from the book will be in italic and all are taken from chapter 2 “What’s wrong with me?”

To show you what exactly I mean by “seeing life through the lens of shame, let’s consider the following situations:  

Individuality is something that scares you, if you see life through the lenses of shame. You have difficulty to feel comfortable with the fact that everyone is unique, different and honorable in his or her unique way of being.   

Let’s assume you have an opinion about something and I have another opinion. For people, free from shame and comfortable of individuality, they will realize:

“I have an opinion, the other person has an opinion, and it’s totally ok if it’s not the same opinion.”

However, if shame is the lens you see through, you might think:

•  “Jeanne thinks something is wrong with me for having my opinion.”
• “I don’t agree with you” translates: “You’re stupid for thinking that way.”
• Making a mistake translates to: “I am less of a person.”
• Spilling your milk translates to: “I’m a klutz.”
• Someone else having a number of positive circumstances (a promotion, a new car, finding a spouse) translates to: “God must not love me as much as them.”
• Your children’s misbehaving translates to: “I’m a lousy parent.”
• Your inability to live up to some “Christian formula” translates to:
• “I’m a defective Christian.”
• Your spouse’s feeling sad translates to: “I’m a poor husband/wife.”
• Your parents being upset translates to: “I’m a failure as their child.”

Can you see the pattern?

Let’s now see these traits my friend who read that book could identify with, how it got to the point she was shocked to understand that shame has a great part in how she feels about life:

Now let’s take a look at the traits which are common for someone who is seeing life through the lens of shame; In this article I will mention 5 of them, in the next article we will see the other 10:

1. YOU USE A LOT OF NEGATIVE “SELF-TALK.”
2. YOU DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE MISTAKES (OR ADMIT THEM).
3. YOU ARE OVER RESPONSIBLE.
4. YOU DON’T TRUST YOUR “RADAR.”
5. YOU SET UP INAPPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES.
6. YOU ACT LIKE A VICTIM.
7. YOU TEND TO “CODE” WHEN YOU COMMUNICATE.
8. YOU SUFFER A LOT OF STRESS-RELATED ILLNESS.
9. YOU CAN’T HAVE GUILT-FREE FUN.
10. YOU ACT IN WAYS THAT SEEM CONTRADICTORY.
11. YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH GIFTS VERY WELL.
12. YOU SABOTAGE YOUR OWN SUCCESS.
13. YOU PROCRASTINATE.
14. YOU ARE POSSESSIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS.
15. YOU HAVE A HIGH NEED FOR CONTROL.

Let’s look at these one-by-one:

 1.YOU USE A LOT OF NEGATIVE “SELF-TALK.”

You are really hard with yourself.

• “What’s wrong with me!?”
• “How could I be so stupid?”
• “Who am I to believe that this person could be my friend?”
• “it’s all my fault”
• “It doesn’t matter what I feel!”
• “I am such a failure!”
• “I will never be able to…”
• “No one cares how I feel!”
• “No one really knows who I am” (and If they would, they would declare me not lovable)

 Everyone experiences frustrations and everyone will go through doubts about their capacity. However, self talk like that condemns you as a person and your worth, not what you did or failed to do.

2.YOU DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE MISTAKES (OR ADMIT THEM).

You cannot make a mistake, for the simple reason that you feel the mistake determines who you are. Instead of being able to say: “Oh, I made a mistake, I’m sorry” and go on, growing and maturing, your overall feeling is: “I’m such a failure”!

“Therefore, mistakes must be “must be denied, explained, justified, minimized, rationalized, or blamed on someone else.“

This belief hinders you to learn from mistakes and go on.

3. YOU ARE OVERRESPONSIBLE.

“If there’s a problem, you must have caused it (even though you’re not sure how). If there’s a crisis, you’re supposed to solve it (even though the past has taught you that you’ll probably fail). It’s your job to make sure everyone else is happy, that no one is disappointed, that their needs are met, and that the whole world is at peace.”  

4. YOU DON’T TRUST YOUR “RADAR”

You are never sure if you can trust your perception about pretty much anything. 

You have learned not to speak up (who are you anyway to think and feel?) and to trust those over you more than yourself (as they have to be more capable than you) – and you condemn yourself for seeing things. (“It must be me. I must have a critical spirit”)

5.YOU SET UP INAPPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES.

3. 4. Because people who grow up in a shame based system are not allowed to have boundaries, they were never able to learn how to set them.

      If you grew up this way, you will struggle to even believe that you have the right to have your own boundaries; therefore it is really hard for you to know when to set them and in what way. Relationships are challenging because they require boundaries to keep those in distance who will continually hurt you and let those come close who you consider safe.

Have you recognized yourself in some way?

You see, uncovering shame is an important step to get rid of it. As long as you believe that this is who you are, there is no way out of it.

The more you dig into the subject, the more you will realize the areas shame has influenced your life. I encourage you to choose to stand up against shame; it’s a lie, it’s a chain that hinders you to walk in your uniqueness, in the reality that you are loved, that you are of high worth and value.